Snake-Venom Vineyard
by KorrasamixxTyzulaxxDreams
Summary: "Animal!" Ty Lee screams. "Animal, animal!" And that's how everybody almost dies in a car crash. Tyzula Advent Calendar Entry. *Complete*
1. Sweet Sugar Cakes

_A line from Tom Haverford in Parks and Rec sparked my idea for this story, so I can't take credit for the first line of this fic. This entire story is also based on the prompts from the Tyzula Advent Calendar 2015. I'm planning on doing a little over half of them for this story, since I didn't prewrite it like my Tyzula Week entry._

* * *

 _ **Sweet Sugar Cakes**_

"You can't say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal," Mai says slowly as she gazes at Ty Lee over her shoulder.

Ty Lee, the girl whose favorite kind of cake is birthday cake, is in the back of Mai's car, which Azula is driving, because Azula cannot handle anyone driving but her. Girl has control issues. Promises she'll work it out with her therapist. Lies. Promises she'll stop lying. Lies about that too.

It is the middle of the night, and they are trying to find a 24-hour convenience store in the middle of the countryside. So far they have found snow, rocks, trees and more snow, rocks and trees. Mai is not enthused, but this is significantly better than being with Azula's extended family back at the vineyard.

"I love breakfast cereal," Ty Lee replies and Mai has no idea if she is being serious or not. "I don't love driving around in circles when there's no cell service to even look it up. Like, Azula one time had to pick me up from this party that went _so wrong_ and I wanted McDonalds and so I whipped out my phone and was like, let's find a McDonalds. And we did."

Mai is silent. Azula veers to the side of the road; she refuses to let anyone else drive, but that doesn't mean she's a good driver.

"I thought that story was actually going to be interesting. I was wrong." Mai sighs.

"Animal!" Ty Lee screams. "Animal, animal!"

 _And_ that's how everybody almost dies in a car crash. Possibly better than spending another soul-killing day at that horrific vineyard. Once Mai's whiplash subsides, she just keeps her head between her knees.

"That better have been a fucking bear," Mai murmurs.

"It was a deer. It still could've killed us," Azula says, finally reaching a road that is paved instead of made of crushed dirt. "That's a huge problem in Pennsylvania."

"We're in Oregon."

"Which is really not that far from Pennsylvania," Ty Lee insists, smiling at the rearview mirror.

"See, she cares about me," Azula snaps and Mai doesn't move. "I have no idea why we even need to go buy a cake. It's ridiculous. There is no purpose to this."

"It's because Ty Lee volunteered and you're creepy and possessive. She could've done this on her own," Mai says.

"Well, you're not my real mom."

"No, she's back at the vineyard not driving down the setting of a B-horror movie in order to go get a _Christmas Cake_ because no one wanted to bake one," Mai says quietly and she closes her eyes. Unfortunately, she forgot her headphones and so there is nothing she can do about her ears.

She manages to tune out on Ty Lee's fourth boring story, but she can't ignore…

"You're perfect."

"I know. But _you're_ perfect enough to get me to marry you, and that's a level of perfection that ‒"

"Please shut up before I grab that steering wheel and kill us all," Mai declares, sitting up. She sighs and before Azula can say anything, they are basked in the warm glow of a 7/11. "Thank God."

Mai gets out of the beautiful sportscar which could have been the third Azula destroyed and got replaced this year if it were not for this sketchy-ass 7/11 that has every single gasp pump adorned with a crude cardboard chunk with _out of order_ scrawled on it in permanent marker. She stomps through the snow and walks inside.

Ty Lee and Azula manage to follow her without dying or killing someone else, respectively. She watches them as the three of them disperse.

Mai locates snack cakes. She does not locate real cake. She grabs the snack cakes because she didn't sign up for this bullshit when she married the rich older man who happened to be the father of her best friend.

"Oh, I have an interesting story, Mai," Ty Lee says as she picks through the candy section.

"I really doubt that…" Mai sighs as she grabs every single bag of the weird knock-offs labeled: _Sweet Sugar Cakes_ on the damned rack, and gazes at the presumably stoned cashier.

"Do you even know how I met Azula?"

"Were you working at a strip club?" Mai asks and Azula gives her a look that could kill.

"No." Ty Lee laughs and Mai tries to survive long enough to get back into the deathtrap that is her own car. "We were like friends, right, at college sort of. Okay, I was friends with her friend and I started paying Azula to write essays for my public speaking class and she didn't really need money so I did like a variety of non-sexual favors. Anyway, I invited her to a party this one time and it went terribly."

"I didn't know or need to know any of that."

"Well, she's so charming you wouldn't notice but she needed a crash course in romance to get the girl she desperately wanted. So I tried to teach her how to flirt. We practiced together and it went kind of poorly. I think she asked the girl to marry her…"

"No I didn't," Azula insists icily. Mai cocks an eyebrow.

"I thought you did." Ty Lee shrugs. "Anyway, my boyfriend cheated on me with that girl and then Azula and I got together forever!" Ty Lee wraps her arms tightly around Azula and nuzzles her neck. "Also that's how we got our cute pet name for her which was ‒"

"Sweetheart. Of course. A nice, traditional, classy nickname that is adequate for a powerful woman such as myself," Azula interjects, pressing her hand over Ty Lee's mouth.

Ty Lee giggles through the hand clamped over her mouth.

Mai does not know how to respond to that.

She just walks to the cashier and orders Ty Lee to unwrap the cakes as busywork while Azula attempts to drive over black ice.


	2. Peppermint Tea

_**Peppermint Tea**_

" _Flashdance_ is not a Christmas movie," Azula says callously as Ty Lee holds up the DVD.

"I hate Christmas movies," Mai protests and Azula glares at the traitor. Mai then shrugs. "I also hate _Flashdance_."

"Do you hate everything?" Ty Lee whines and Mai has already had more than enough of this.

"Yes," she replies with a cold stare.

"You're way too old to hate everything," Ty Lee snaps, crossing her arms like she is way too young to do. Mai takes a sip of the peppermint hot chocolate and tries not to gag.

"I am younger than you," Mai says as she spits the horrible elixir back into her hideous mug the size of a soup bowl. Because Iroh inexplicably does not have any human-sized mugs in his huge cabin.

"Yeah, and I don't hate everything, _do I_?" Ty Lee snaps.

"This peppermint hot chocolate also tastes terrible." Mai holds it up. The mug nearly snaps her arm in half. This is literally the worst Christmas since the one in which her mom threw out half of her presents.

"Okay, well, Azula's uncle doesn't have any damned hot chocolate. But he had peppermint tea and Ovaltine. So I mixed them." Ty Lee pretends to be on the verge of tears and Mai rubs her temples.

"I think it's really good," Azula says even though she has not touched hers.

"I think she's sleeping with you," Mai replies scathingly. "So, Ty Lee, you have gathered us in this basement that clearly hasn't been updated since the '60s to watch Christmas movies and drink peppermint hot chocolate, but you have neither of those things."

" _Flashdance_ and peppermint tea mixed with Ovaltine are way better than snack cakes instead of real cake, okay? It also is better than listening to Azula's parents argue again. Do you want to drink my nice knock-off hot cocoa or be repeatedly asked if you're old enough to drink?"

"Ugh. This is a slightly better alternative," Mai admits, leaning back on the ugly orange sofa. She makes eye contact with a James Bond poster in a dusty frame. Iroh confuses her. So does this house, for that matter. There are all of these old antiques, and then random hippie junk. There is a classy wine cellar right by this 60's Mod basement.

"I can do the whole dance from _Flashdance_

"Which one? That movie has almost as much baffling dancing as _Xanadu_ ," Mai asks.

"Well, technically all of them, but mostly the last one."

"It's just hopping and pointing," Mai says slowly.

"No, it's not. Now we have to watch this movie." Ty Lee then pops open the Xbox, pops in the disc and they are off to a start.

Oh, and there are those two cuddling. How sickening. Mai contemplates going upstairs because they have just kissed and it is so uncomfortable, but then she hears the yelling. Oh God, the yelling. _Oh_ and that crash and smashing of a wine bottle was definitely Zuko.

"Let's never have kids," Azula says quietly to Ty Lee.

"Let's have five," Ty Lee replies and Azula rolls her eyes.

Mai makes direct eye contact with Azula. "What has she done to you? You're not even drinking the Kool-Aid."

"It's peppermint tea with Ovaltine, Mai, not, oh wait…" Ty Lee gets the reference before finishing speaking. "I love Azula and Azula loves me and we're going to have a wonderful life together."

Mai leans back and clasps her hands on her lap. "I have heard many a girl say that about Azula."

"Mai…" Azula's warning glance would be frightening if it weren't for the girl on her lap. The girl whom Mai has just realized is well into the process of _domesticating_ Azula. It's disgusting and cute at the same time.

"What do you mean?" Ty Lee asks bitterly.

"Nothing." Mai shrugs. "Maybe you should ask her."

"Azula, what does she mean?"

"She's just jealous."

Mai laughs. "I don't know what you're saying I'm jealous of, but none of it. I am not jealous of your gross cuddling phrase of the relationship that will end in tears eventually. I am not jealous of your little cheerleader who will either turn to cheating or drugs if she marries you. I am not jealous of you for having that little cheerleader on your lap. You two aren't going to last."

"That's not true," Ty Lee snaps.

"You know what, I bet you two won't even last until New Year's."

"I take that as a formal bet," Azula says, pushing Ty Lee off of her lap. "What's the wager?"

"Hmmm… this needs some thought, doesn't it? I'll get back to you by the end of the movie."

Mai sips her horrible drink pensively and waits to watch the fireworks.


	3. Evergreen

_This is for yesterday's prompt because life is cray and I wasn't going to scrap my_ The Shining _reference because of numbers._

* * *

 _ **Evergreen**_

Azula, Ty Lee and Mai are getting their Christmas tree.

This should be good.

The dead vines from harvested grapes are draped over the fence that Ty Lee hops with Azula behind her. Mai follows with the opposite of enthusiasm, because she has no idea why she even _agreed_ to do this. They have been designated as scouts for the tree, which means climbing a huge, snowy hill after crossing through the unused chunk of vineyard.

"I feel like this might be dangerous," Ty Lee says as she looks around. The vines are _really_ creepy, Mai has to admit, but Ty Lee grabbing onto Azula's arm and holding her is not excusable under any circumstances. They aren't sixteen. They are adult women who have no reason to do that.

"Just watch out for snakes," Mai says, yawning. She rolls her eyes as she sees Ty Lee's eyes flash from brief panic. _And_ Ty Lee squeezes Azula tighter, making her look _smug_ of all fucking things. "It's freezing winter. There aren't any snakes out here."

Ty Lee sighs from relief. Mai can see her breath in the air; this is a terrible day. She hates winter. It's cold and wet. She also hates summer, which is hot and wet.

"So, it's a long walk. Talk to me so I can stop thinking about how cold my skinny jeans are in this weather." Ty Lee looks down at the snow already solidifying on the fabric. "And I _just bought these_ too!"

"I don't have anything to talk about," Azula says lightly and Ty Lee squeezes her tighter. Azula didn't think that was _possible_ , and now she is suffocating. She pushes on Ty Lee to get her to loosen and decides talking might be worth it. "Is there something bothering you?"

Ty Lee makes a small noise of shock. Mai also would if she could; maybe this is about to get mildly interesting. "You _never_ ask me that."

"I know," Azula replies and Mai stares at her, trying to see a reason why written on her face. "But I am, so tell me if there is."

Ty Lee hums. She seems to have forgotten what she was even thinking about. "No, nothing is bothering me. Except for how gross and cold it is and how much I hate your whole family."

"Thank you. I'm flattered," Mai says coolly, but they aren't listening.

Azula shrugs and Ty Lee trembles.

Ty Lee kisses her on the lips. "I really can't wait to get out of my frozen clothes."

"I can't either," Azula says and Mai examines the axe in her hands.

So help her, if Ursa asks her how old she is again, Ozai asks her to try to have _fun_ again or these girls make blatant bedroom eyes at each other _one more time_ , this will be less like _Home for the Holidays_ and more like _The Shining_.

"Ooo! Yay!" Ty Lee shakes the snow off of the fence and starts climbing. Azula watches her; Mai watches the forest that is closer than she thought.

Mai has never been so happy to see trees.


	4. Fur Blankets

_**Fur Blankets**_

Mai wakes up to screaming through the walls.

"If you don't want me to _call you a bitch_ , stop _acting like one_!" Azula shrieks and Mai groans, pressing her pillow to her ears to the best of her ability.

Ty Lee gasps so loudly Mai thinks the walls shake. This is the most melodramatic frostbitten morning in the history of time. Mai does not know how this family has survived more than one Christmas together.

"How are they still at it?" Mai asks of the man beside her, pulling her fur blanket over her face, and she gets no response from her husband. "Go tell your daughter to play nice."

"I'm not getting involved in that," he replies and Mai rolls her eyes. She has no idea how he is so confident in being a foreboding and terrifying psychopath of a businessman but his adult daughter still has him wrapped around her little finger. "I thought you hated how sappy they were."

"I think I hate their fighting more," Mai mutters, removing her sweaty fur blankets. They were not helping block the noise.

 _Crash_. And there goes a lamp. These walls are way too thin.

Mai tries to hide under the blankets again.


	5. Ice Skating

_**Ice Skating**_

"I am frozen from the waist down," Mai says as she regrets choosing jeans as her ice skating pants.

Not that she even _likes_ ice skating. Well, she does not like many activities… or any activities, sometimes, but watching the two of them holding hands after such a devastating fight is uncanny. Ty Lee has Azula by the hips, their skates narrowly avoiding each other as they move together.

"Join the club," sighs Zuko behind her. "I think my eyes might be frozen over. Everything is blurry."

Mai smirks. It fades quickly.

They are at the small lake near Snake-Venom Vineyard. It freezes solid in the winter, coated in snow and ice. It could have weak spots and you could fall in and drown, which might be amusing, but Mai doubts that a mere plunge could kill her stepdaughter. Azula is some kind of immortal demon-being, as they decided when they were young.

"I miss the city. I never thought I would say that," Mai says as she steps onto the ice. Zuko follows, offering his hand. She declines his invitation and he blushes, rubbing his neck and pretending not to have made the gesture. "There is no fathoming the depths of my hatred for rural Oregon."

"Mai, watch out, I'm so sorry!" Ty Lee screams as she skitters, stumbles and suddenly:

 _Thud_.

Mai cannot feel anything but a brief burst of pain, and then the thud from both of them hitting the ice. Azula cackles hysterically as she moves out of her mocking pirouette. Ty Lee's already rosy cheeks redden as Mai tries to comprehend what just happened to her.

"I thought you said you knew how to ice skate," Azula comments as she helps Ty Lee to her feet and smirks wickedly.

Mai awaits Azula's help, but Azula is already taking Ty Lee in her hands and beginning to skate backwards with her.

Zuko offers his hand and Mai bats it aside before pushing herself to her feet.

"I said I had ice skating lessons when I was _little_ , but that I didn't remember them welland that I was going to die if we actually did this," Ty Lee replies loudly. The hipsters in Portland and the lucky sunbathers in Los Angeles could hear her going on and on. Mai takes Zuko by the arm.

"Out skate them. Now," Mai hisses and Zuko looks at her.

"It was an accident. Ty Lee didn't mean to…" But then Zuko sees her face.

Mai knows how much he likes her cruel expression. It would be a shame if she _didn't_ use his crush on her for her own personal gain.

Plus, he's an okay guy, even if Ozai would be livid if he saw the two of them skating to beat Azula and Ty Lee at their _coupleness_.


End file.
